Nothing's ever fair..

[estebones]

Hello everyone,
I?m not going to type this as a "feel sorry for me" post but more of like a venting...
If you don?t want to read it fine, if you do. Thanks.

As some of you I come from a broken home, my mother and my father split up when I was four and since then I have had great resentment towards my dad, which filtered through to that side of my family and as a result I have had very little contact with them since then, id be surprised if most of my cousins even remember my name, this is something I am not proud of.

I do remember one of my aunts who used to call us and treat us very nicely even more than the rest of the family ever did. My aunt Bebe, she always remembered us and specially treated/looked at my mom with respect and affection, which should have meant everything for me. Well some time ago I got news that she had been diagnosed with cancer and that she was undergoing treatment. I went and visited her in the hospital and let me tell you I never felt such happiness than to see her with a huge smile as soon as I walked in the door) it had been some time since I had seen her, I believe some thing like 5 yrs or so). Everything looked like it was going to be ok, she was reacting to the treatment and it appeared that she would pull through. Well as faith would have it she had a relapse and it seems this time the cancer was even stronger.

I got married in April 2003, and decided to invite some of the family from my dad's side as well as him. For the few months before the wedding my aunt was bed ridden she could barely do the things we take for granted...but somehow managed to make it to my wedding which is one of the things that made me feel extremely happy especially due to the fact that I had been such and ungrateful motherfucker to pull myself from that part of my family. As I danced with her all I could say is "thanks tia for coming to my wedding, I know its not easy for you" and she replied "There is no way I would have missed this." That right there gave me this huge knot in my stomach but made me so happy at the same time.

Today is April 17, 2003 and as of 02:40pm she has gone to a better place, and I am extremely hurt of the fact that I robbed myself of her affection there is not anyone lese to blame but myself and my stupidity for feeling like this. I let the actions of someone else (my father) affect my relationship with people that obviously cared for me, and now I am left to deal with this horrendous feeling of feeling like and outsider in my own family.

I feel like life is not fair, there is no reason why this nice woman (my aunt) would have be dealt these cards, she was honest, beautiful and never did anything to hurt anyone but yet whichever the higher power is (I don?t believe in religion) felt the need to take her away from her family, her sons and daughters, her grandkids, from her husband and from me. I have realized that these kind of things can happen to anyone but why her??? If there is such a thing as fairness then why do this to her and her loved ones.... I just don?t understand.

I feel compelled to say to those of you that have all of your family with you:
Cherish it because you never know how long it will last, everyone hopes their family will last forever and some may take it for granted but there are very few things in life that you can be sure of and having you family is sadly not one of them.

I guess that since I have never been in this situation I feel the way I do but I just felt it necessary to vent.

Thanks for reading this. I just needed to vent.
-ester

[cacmasta]

i'm sorry to hear your loss. You cannot totally blame yourself for not being connected to your father's side of the family. have any of them besides your aunt, ever made an attempt to be close to you? I totally agree that we should not take our families for granted. Moving out on my own has made me realize that even more. Which brings me to my point that just because you haven't had a relationship in the past, doesn't mean you can't start one with your father's side. If you feel that badly about not interacting with them, then start.

[estebones]

thanks

[crXrated]

No matter what happens you have to remember 1 thing and that is that you were lucky enough to know someone like that and to have someone that cared about you reguardless of what you did. My only suggestion is to follow her example and stop the seperation from your fathers side of the family except for if they cause problems in your life and always remember that people can change ... never give up on your father I know this first hand!
This coming from someone who's dealt with death way to many times if ya need a shoulder to cry on just pm me! I'm always here if ya need someone!

[imported_DIYperformance]

I feel you dude. I myself haven't talked to my family in over 6 years. And they live 20 minutes from me. It's just how it works out sometimes. They didn't come to my wedding, they've never seen my son, and couldn't care either. Just don't ever give up. No matter what you believe, we all have to go sometimes, some sooner than others, and some less deservant than others. But if there is any hope between you and your family, please pursue it, for whatever you can make out of it, I'd rather have a crappy relationship with my father than what I have now. And I wouldn't wish my experience on my worst enemy.

I'm here for you bro.